Monday, September 24, 2007

Dealing with Energy Vampires: Part 2 – How to Stop Being an Energy Vampire (and attracting Energy Vampires)

As I’ve thought about the different ways in which to stop being an Energy Vampire (E.V), it is obvious yet again that similar guidance applies to stop being an E.V.A.

And it’s more than about a listing of things to do, more than just a set of procedures to follow. What I find missing in articles dealing with this subject is the importance of context and setting your life in a broader context.


1. Develop a Compelling Vision For Your Life

If all someone wants to do is to stop being an E.V, then that in and of itself is not a compelling reason to stop. This is about setting your life in a broader context. It is about a complete reorientation of your approach. It’s about developing a vision of your life that pulls you in and inspires you to make changes. It is about developing a structure that supports what you want to be and achieve in life (note the order).

What part of yourself have you cut off? When did you stop dreaming? What dreams did you have as a child? When did you stop feeling less than alive inside? What makes you feel excited? If you had all the resource and support in the world what would you do? What is your mission in life? Where are you shortchanging yourself?

If you’re an energy vampire, you have cut yourself off from the Universal Source that is available for all of us and relying on taking from those who are less than secure in setting boundaries regarding their own energy.

Developing a compelling vision isn’t something that necessarily happens in a flash of inspiration, although it could do. There are different ways to discover and uncover it. One popular way is to write your own obituary. This normally frightens people, at least initially, but it certainly shows you where the gaps are in your life.

Steve Pavlina offers a very good way of discovering your life purpose in which you: 1. take out a blank piece of paper or open up a word processor file. 2. Write at the top: “What is my true purpose in life?”. 3. Write any answer that pops into your head. 4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose. I recommend this because I’ve done it and it really does work.

You can also engage a Coach/Therapist/Counsellor to help you with this. Or do it with a friend. The point is, until you have something bigger that encompasses your life and informs your behaviour and actions, it’s unlikely that you’ll be inspired enough to make those changes.

If you are purposeful, passionate and create appropriate structures in your life to support your vision, solutions tend to present themselves as a by product and self destructive behaviour tends to fall away.

2. Reorient Your Attitudes and Beliefs

What gets in the way of developing your vision, setting up more effective and beneficial structures and habits is often your own unconscious and limiting beliefs. Case study after case study on the Emotional Freedom Technique site illustrates this. Often these beliefs were formed (imposed) upon you when you were too young to resist and are still unconsciously driving you and most likely stopping you from living a fuller life.

If you’re an E.V one of those beliefs is likely to be that you deserve to have other people’s time, expertise and energy, often free of charge. You probably don’t realise that we all have access to Source Energy or Universal Flow and that if you are an E.V, you have blocked your own access and are siphoning off other people’s energy, who don’t have protection from yours.

If you’re an E.V.A, one of those beliefs is likely to be that other people come first in your life. You must always help other people, often at the detriment to your own physical and emotional well being.

Another limiting belief is that you are not responsible for your feelings and emotions and that other people are. Because E.V.As in particular feel that, at some level, they are responsible for the way that other's feel and that they must manage them, they also expect the same in return. This rarely happens.

It is not always about making things happen, but allowing things to happen, which implies a kind of passivity, but in fact is a very effective use of energy. It’s about working smarter (if indeed you call it work at all) not harder. Taking other people’s energy actually takes more energy than allowing yourself access to Source Energy.

Releasing your limiting beliefs about yourself and the world around you will do so much to increase your own energy levels. These beliefs can often be very hard to detect because they’ve been part of your energy system for such a long time. Energy psychology, especially EFT offers a fantastic way to recognise and release limiting beliefs. You may find, as I have done, that when you release beliefs that have weighed on you for long that you feel lighter. Because you are. (Check out the weight loss section on the search facility on the EFT site to read how beliefs literally weigh on us) EFT also offers ways to install more positive beliefs to replace the limiting ones that you’ve released.

Identify and Plug Your Energy Leaks

Whether you are an E.V or an E.V.A, you are leaking energy, either from being the subject of a vampiric attack or by taking other’s energy to make up for leakages in your own energy system. You know if an activity or a person’s presence either uplifts you or makes you want to run for the hills! Here are some of the most common ones.

1. Not enough sleep

Lack of sleep is one of the great stressors in modern industrialised society. Sleep allows us to process emotions, ideas and solutions. Sleep allows us to repair and renew our bodies; it also regulates our weight. And it’s not just a case of how much sleep, but when. Getting to sleep by 10pm gives you a better quality of sleep, more cleansing and deeply refreshing.

The importance of sleep really cannot be overstated. If insomnia is a problem, then writing down your issues before you sleep can help. Of course, the insomnia might be symptomatic of a much deeper problem, which you may need assistance with. EFT is a wonderfully self applied tool which can help you get to sleep at night. Developing a ritual around bedtime and relaxing before you sleep will also help.

2. Over stimulation and noise

Many of us are completely over stimulated. How many of us turn on the T.V or Radio or even play music as soon as we get in? Watching TV without really engaging with it is very tiring. Haven’t you had that experience of watching TV all day and feeling more tired than if you’d done something more energetic? It is draining. Turn it off and do something else instead. Or really watch something and enjoy it. Same thing with surfing the Internet. What are you distracting yourself from?

3. Spending too much time with people who drain you (naturally!)

This one is fairly obvious. For E.V.As there’s often a sense of acknowledgement or duty around spending time with E.Vs. They feel guilty if they don’t listen to their problems, especially if they are family members or friends. You don’t “owe” them. They're responsible for their own feelings. You owe yourself, first of all. Learning to set strong boundaries will help. I’ll write a separate post on this.

4. Unacknowledged and unprocessed anger and resentment

Unacknowledged and or unprocessed anger and resentment are one of the most effective energy drains. Their effectiveness lies in their unconsciousness. Are truly happy people E.Vs or E.V.As? I don’t think so. Thinking constantly about past hurts and finding it hard to move on makes it hard to live a fulfilling life. Releasing your anger and resentment is one of the best things that you can do for your health.

5. No or not enough exercise

Energy begets energy. Swimming, going to the gym, regular walks, go up and down the stairs instead of using the lift, Yoga, Pilates. Whatever floats your boat. But human beings are meant to move. So move. It grounds you.

6. Poor diet

I’m not talking about the different diet books that are out there. Just recognising the right kind of diet for you. It means noting what type of foods give you energy and which ones don’t. It may mean a bit of trial and error and experimentation. What it isn’t is following a faddy diet.

7. Lack of money

Money is just another form of energy, so once you raise your energy levels, you raise your capacity to make, create and attract more money. You are also more likely to see opportunities that you didn’t before because you have greater clarity.

8. Reduce overcommitment

Alternatively known as learning how to say “no”. This can be a really difficult one, especially if we’re addicted to being needed and have an ego that loves to be recognised and credited. Sometimes we'll also say yes out of duty and guilt and obligation. Again setting strong boundaries will help reduce the tendency to overcommit and reduce our energy levels.

9. Various forms of addictions

I’m not just talking about the hard ones that we all know about – drink, drugs, alcohol and gambling, but also “soft” addictions like shopping, surfing the Internet, watching TV. All forms of addictions are energy leakages of the highest order. Start clearing these up and feel your energy levels soar!


So, after plugging the gaps and leaks, you start to identify what gives you energy. Much of this will be the opposite of the list above ie get more sleep, reduce stimulation and noise, get more exercise, improve your diet and so on. And here are additional ones.

1. Spend time in nature

Being in nature is calming and soothing to our spirits, which is why property close to the sea or river, overlooking parks, in or close to the countryside commands higher prices than those which are not. Spending time in nature on a regular basis rejuvenates the spirit and increases your energy levels. I could never understand why, at lunch break, work colleagues would rush to buy their sandwiches and then eat them at their desk, when we were fortunate enough to work near parks no more than five minutes walk away.

2. Allow yourself more downtime

We all vary in our need for time and solitude. Highly Sensitive People in particular need plenty of time to process the energy around them and to ground and centre themselves. In not allowing yourself the time alone you need to refresh your batteries you are not only doing yourself, but other people around you, a grave disservice. That time is required for self regulation and emotional management. I find that ideas and solutions come to me more often in that downtime, than any amount of thinking about an issue.

3. Find a creative outlet

Your new found energy needs a positive outlet, otherwise it can go into other more self destructive activities. In fact I think that a lot of so called self destructive behaviour is normally a cry for help, to access the more creative and joyful part of ourselves (linked into the compelling vision of our lives).

4. Set strong boundaries

Setting strong boundaries is essential to nurture and enhance your mind, body and spirit. E.V.As suffer terribly from an inability or reluctance to set strong boundaries. And the ability to do so, especially on an energetic level, will reduce the risk of energy vampirism and free up your energy levels. This topic is so important that the next post and final part of this series will be devoted to setting strong boundaries.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dealing with Energy Vampires: Part 1: Definitions of a Vampire

I'm writing this post in response to a question left by Anonymous on a post I made titled: Energy Vampires: Cutting The Ties That Bind.

This subject is especially pertinent to me right now and is a very important one.

This will be a short series on this subject because it is such an important one and I thought that I'd start off with definitions and characteristics not just of the Energy Vampire (EV) but also those who tend to attract Energy Vampires, whom I shall call the Energy Vampire Attractors (EVA).

Most of what I’ve ready about energy vampirism suggests that the EV and the EVA are often different people. This can be true on occasion. There are some people whose loudness,boorishness and self centredness makes them very draining to be with (although others may also see them as life and soul of the party).

However, this is not always the case. I've been both an energy vampire and been the subject of energy vampirism and also have the benefit of the perspective of the Law of Attraction and the setting strong boundaries to provide further insight into this important topic.

What is an energy vampire?

There are various definitions and the most simplest one is that Energy Vampires are those people who suck the life force out of you. They are often highly people whose own energy is blocked, unbeknown to them and therefore they seek to extract it from others. They may also be attention seekers, very insecure in and of themselves and needing the energy of others (ie their attention) to validate their worth.

Characteristics of the E.V and E.V.A

When I started writing down the characteristics of E.Vs and E.V.As, I realised that there were a lot of similiarities. In fact there is a great deal of crossover between them and different types of characteristics will often reside in the same person. Which characteristics emerge depends on the energetic environment they are in and the individual dynamic between different individuals.

This makes sense when you think of the Law of Attraction, as popularised by Abraham Hicks, the simple concept of which is: "like attracts like". In other words we attract into our experience that which we are in vibrational harmony with. So if you have a tendency to be an E.V.A, you must realise that you are vibrating in such a manner to attract E.Vs; it is no coincidence. In my experience some characteristics of the E.V are:

  • Constant complaining and whining without seriously seeking a resolution to their "problems";
  • At a more subtle level, they exude an air of negativity and often vibrate with fear, anger and anxiety, which can be easily activated if they feel unsafe or threatened in any way;
  • Don't take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions and blame others for how they feel;
  • There is a sense of entitlement (esp from family members), "you owe me";
  • Often want others to be ultra sensitive and protective of their feelings;
  • Can be self indulgent attention seekers who will "suck all of the oxygen out of the room";
  • Have a tendency to withdraw as a coping mechanism - have limited coping skills in general;
  • Find it difficult to openly and honestly express/process a full range of their feelings and so end up repressing them, which leads to a reduction of their own energy which then causes them to seek energy from others;
  • Unconsciously reluctant to own their own power or take responsibility for it – may feel unsafe for them to do so;
  • They may also be intuitive empaths, who unwittingly take on others’ emotions and find it difficult to separate their emotions from others;
  • May need constant reassurance to make up for their lack of self confidence emotional neediness and dependency;
  • Cannot set strong boundaries or are afraid to do so;
  • Not always fully present and in their body, sometimes look and act “spacey”;
  • Poor self care – they may not even recognise the need for good self care;
  • Dependent upon others' approval and opinions;
  • Try to connect with people inappropriately and don’t see the signs that people are not responding or are reluctantly responding, therefore lack awareness of the effect that they are having on someone;
  • Invade your personal space. They get too close to you, you move away and then they get closer;
  • Often feel uncomfortable to be around and you can’t logically figure out why;
  • Can sometimes come across as self conscious and awkward;
  • May have suffered from several traumatic experiences in their childhood and these have been etched onto their energy systems with the accompanying buried emotions;
  • Little capacity for self reflection and insight, probably because of fear or resurrecting or dwelling on past traumatic experiences, fear of being overwhelmed by them.
  • May often be very popular - "the life and soul of the party" - but their need to be the centre of attention often masks a great deal of insecurity, which needs the attention (energy) and validation from others.

Characteristics of the E.V.A

And what of the characteristics of the E.V.A? Fairly similar, actually. All of the E.V list can equally be applied to those who attract Energy Vampires. But obviously there will be differences. E.V.As also tend to be intuitive empaths who empathise with other people’s feelings to such a degree that they feel their feelings – which can be exhausting and:

  • Have a tendency to want to “fix” other people’s emotional problems;
  • Are afraid to stand up for themselves because they’re afraid of offending others;
  • Often empower other people at the expense of their own well being;
  • Allow other people to run their lives;
  • Want to take care of other people;
  • Are affected by other people’s conflicts and dramas and are then sucked into being involved when it’s none of their business;
  • Fear making waves or confrontation – feels very threatening to their sensitive and empathic nature;
  • Have been brought up not to make waves;
  • Are chronic people pleasers, suffering from toxic niceness;
  • Often feel intimidated by the expression of strong emotions;
  • Relinquish and give away their own personal power, often unconsciously;
  • Sometimes doubt their own feelings (when they can work out which ones they are!). Their high sensitivity and empathic nature doesn’t find much validation in society generally.

Intuitive empaths love to connect deeply with other people. They think and feel and vibrate very, very deeply and often have difficulty finding people with whom they can have that real heartfelt (but not always romantic) connection with. However, they also have trouble setting boundaries and with a tendency to give their energy away often attract those who will abuse their good nature.

Everything happens on a vibrational level

As everything happens on a vibrational level, you can imagine what happens when someone who vibrates with the energy of an E.V goes into a party with a number of different people, including E.V.As? You’ve got it! There’s the E.V. consciously or subconsciously looking for energy to take and there’s the E.V.A with the tendency to giving their energy away. It’s a perfect match!

Why is it that some people end up have the same abusive relationship with different people? It’s because their vibration is constantly attracting the same type of person, who may look and sound different at the beginning, which lures them in. It then progresses to the unconscious energetic and vibrational pattern that has already been prepared.

So how do you stop being an Energy Vampire and how do you reduce your risk to Energy Vampirism? This will be answered in the next posting.

Watch this space.